The Things They Don't Tell You...

Writing, like most jobs, seems sort of awesome from the outside. You tell people you write YA and they're all, "Cool. I read Twilight..." and you're off on a conversation. And there are many parts that are awesome (I think I've mentioned wearing my Wii PJ bottoms all day). But also, like most jobs, there are things that you don't know about until you're on the inside. And I'm not talking about things in the "journey to publication" because frankly, I think that you can find a blog about almost any part of that. I'm talking about the things that happen to your psyche as a writer.

So, since I'm awkwardly candid about many things in my life, I'm going to discuss some of them today.

WRITING IS LONELY
I'm an extrovert. Spending long days in front of my computer, not talking to anyone but my dog, can make me a little batty. I pick up my kids from school and I can't stop talking. I get on the phone with writer friends and I can't stop talking. I go to a school BBQ on the weekend and I can't stop talking. It's sort of embarrassing really. But after spending 6-8 hours every day in my own head, I am DESPERATE for communication.

Yes, I have a day job. But my day job is editing the voices in other people's heads and I do that from home. When we have editorial conference calls, my days are always better because I've heard other people talking.

The tricky thing about this is that it seems solvable. I should just have lunch with friends. Go to the gym. Take walks with neighbors. Volunteer at the kids' school. Pop on Twitter and start interacting with virtual friends. Call my parents. BUT, I have a job. I have writing deadlines. I have edit deadlines for my day job. When I say I'm lonely, the solution isn't to start doing all the things and getting out in the world, because I honestly can't.

So I compensate by going to conferences, book signings, etc. I sop up the energy of people by teaching Sunday school, going to church, sitting at tball games, being part of an author group (14ery!), having short phone calls with friends while I walk the dog.

WRITING IS HARD
This is not a new concept for most writers, but for those in the outside world who see us staring out of our windows or staring up at the same spot on the ceiling, we appear to be slacking. And if you go on social media platforms and start following writers, you see that they're all: "1k in 1 hour. I wrote 9k today." And basically, for those of us who have many days of writing 59 words or less, we are ever reminded of our own mediocrity. The outside world thinks we're slacking, and even worse, WE think we're slacking. How has XXX author sold 7 books in two years while I am 30k into a book that I hate so much I'm ready to throw my computer in the toilet?

Everyone has days where every word they write is crap. Some people say, "Write anyway." That doesn't work for me. Why do I need to sit in front of my computer being faced with my own suck? It's better for me to walk away and come back to it. I imagine that this is different for every person. But believe me, writing is hard. And once you've written more than one book, and you've sold one of those books, you have a whole new layer to start worrying about. Because then author "brands" and sales teams and publicity and marketing and every other damn thing starts getting in the way of your writing. And you second guess everything you do. After you've sold a book, you get to spend time in the place of raging insecurity that in some ways is even worse than the initial insecurity of putting your stuff out there. The stakes are higher. The pool is bigger and for all the times you practiced jumping off the side, the high dive is a lot higher than you could ever imagine.

WRITING IS SELFISH AND TIME-CONSUMING
I say this out of a great deal of affection. I know that there are many, many people who need the additional income of their writing to support their families (including me). More, I know there are people who do this for a living and their writing is the only income for their families. I would never tell anyone not to write.
But writing isn't a 9-5 job, it's pretty much 24/7. For me, at least. And I think for most writers. I don't know many who can just "turn it off". If we have a story in our head, there's no powering down. Yes, we can walk away from the computer. But our head is in a different game. Believe me, I've cheered more than once for the opposite team at a tball game because I was trying to solve a plot hole. I've gone to the grocery store to get something for my husband, bought something totally different, and returned to him an hour and a half later without his thing. I've been late for carpool pick-up because I wanted to finish a scene.
I spent an entire spa vacation with my mom and sisters, holed up in my room, writing the first draft of Fault Line. I've missed spending time with my kids because even if I've been there, I haven't been THERE.
And yes, mental health-wise, it is a good thing that I do write because it mostly makes me happy and all the voices and ideas have a place to go. But I understand that this life choice isn't without a great deal of tolerance and sacrifice from the people that I love. And I want to honestly acknowledge that. When I'm in the writer mode, I'm a bit of a sucky wife, mom, friend, sister, aunt, daughter, etc.

WRITING IS PERFECT
There are days when we've written the perfect words. There are days when amazing things have happened. There are days when the other writers/bloggers/readers we've met along the way have said wonderful things that make us so grateful for their existence. There are days when we're walking the dog and picking our kids up and wearing our Wii PJ bottoms and think, "I live the best fricking life in all the world." And it is a greater rush than anything we've known. Because the highs can be very high. And we maybe don't say that enough either.
We worry about the things we can't control. We compare ourselves to others. We fret. We regret. We spend too much time on what we could be instead of what we are.
And yet, if we're lucky, we have more moments when we say, "this is perfect and I am so grateful for it" than when we say, "I suck."

I wish that for all of you.

We Don't Need Another Hero

How we expect teenage boys to look

How teenage boys actually look

So I've been thinking a lot lately about our desire as young adult readers to cast boys in the role of hero. How the way we talk about them sort of predicates this because there's frequently an element of romance in a story. But I find myself more and more frustrated when I hear readers wanting this. Particularly because, to be honest, I don't write heroes and I'm concerned that people will assign my guys those roles anyway.

Why do we expect teenage boys to always make the right choices? Why do we want them to be heroes? Is reader insistence on this a projection of the world as we'd like it to be as opposed to the world as it is? And if so, what sort of message are we sending to teen girls and boys by assigning boys the role of hero?

In thinking about this blog post, I went back and reviewed some of my favorite contemporary YA books. Certainly not everyone's favorite, but definitely books that I loved: Boy Toy, 13 Reasons Why, Flawed, Sex and Violence, The DUFF, Dash and Lily's Book of Dares (yes, I can read "light" books). I realize that one of the things I loved about all these books were the bad choices that the guys in them made. That for one reason or another, they didn't always make good choices and therefore I connected with them in a way that I otherwise wouldn't.

This feels real to me. This feels like good modeling for our teens, and for all of us. How can we get boys engaged in reading if we can't give them characters that make mistakes? I'm not talking about bad boy alphas who end up doing good (or even bad boy alphas who are unapologetically bad), I'm talking about boys who are written in very real ways as being human "works in progress". Boys who make good choices and bad choices, but in the end, boys who are doing the best they can with the resources they have.

Next time you as a reader are about to slam a male character for not being likable, for having moments of being an a-hole or making stupid decisions, think hard about the importance of the message you are sending to teenagers. By not allowing for bad choices, but insisting on heroes, we are unilaterally saying to teens that they must only ever do the right thing. Which frankly is a disservice to them.

Sexual Assault Awareness Month---Male Ally Tips

Male Ally Tips – Things You Can Do Every Day!

By Stephen Adler, Prevention Education Specialist – Rape Victim Advocates

1. Watch how much space you take up. Often when we are sitting on the train or bus, men tend to take up more space than women. In some cases, it may be because we are physically bigger than women, but in others it is an unearned (and unnoticed) sense of entitlement. When you ride the train, compare and contrast how much space men take up versus women. Remember that your size can be intimidating.
2. Learn to step back... From an early age, boys are encouraged to voice our opinions and to speak when we feel something needs to be said. However, that can lead us to dominate a conversation or meeting. Instead, practice not talking. Let others, particularly female-identified people, speak first. If they have said something you thought about saying, you don’t need to echo it.
3. …and to step up! Use your voice for good – when you hear other men telling a sexist joke, or statements that support rape myths, or words that belittle survivors of domestic and sexual violence, interject! You’ll be surprised at how effective (and appreciated!) a statement such as “I really don’t think that (joke/comment/remark) is funny” really is.
4. Attend feminist events. If male-identified people are welcomed at the space, show your support by attending talks by feminist authors, film screenings by female filmmakers, and concerts with feminist performers.
5. Support feminist media. Go one step further – if we want to put a stop to rape culture, we need to work on dismantling it. Supporting alternatives to mainstream, corporate-owned media is imperative. Get a subscription to Bitch magazine, buy albums of feminist performers and buy tickets to movies that feature strong female leads and/or positive depictions of gender non-conforming folks. As the old saying goes, “money talks”- if companies see these movies doing well they are more likely to continue making them!
6. Volunteer! If you have the time, volunteer for a rape crisis or domestic violence center. Men NEED to be doing this work. Most of the time violence is perpetrated, a man is the perpetrator. This is not being anti-male, it’s just being honest. Call your local rape crisis or domestic violence center and find out how you can help. You may not be able to work directly with survivors, but you can do prevention work – which involves talking to other men – and that is equally important.
7. Make your space feminist. We don’t want to take up more space than necessary, but rather, to make the space we do take up feminist. If you work in an office, push for a sexual assault 101 training. Hang up posters in your cubicle that are supportive of gender-equality. If you’re a member of a fraternity, do a service project that benefits a local rape crisis or DV center. It’s possible to do this in any space – not just the social work field!
8. Be an active bystander. Obviously if we see a sexual assault taking place we should intervene, as anyone would do. However, sexual violence exists on a continuum. Verbal street harassment and groping are also forms of sexual violence, though they are commonly accepted. If you see a man talking to a woman on the train, ask the woman if the man is bothering her. When you see a man taking upskirt pictures on his iPhone, tell him that is not only illegal but wrong. If a man grabs a woman, tell him, in your own words, to leave her alone. Most of these behaviors continue because the men who perpetrate the actions feel justified since they have never had another man call them out on it. Equally important, we want to think of our own safety – intervene if you feel comfortable, but we’re not superheroes, nor do we want to feel that just because we are men we need to be “strong” enough to fix everything. Taking your own safety account is imperative!
9. Reflect the type of masculinity you want to see in the world. If we want to break the association of masculinity and violence, we need to portray the type of masculinity we want to see. This means allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, being nurturing and supportive of children, taking responsibility for our actions, and apologizing when we’ve hurt someone’s feelings. It also means supporting men who are “outside the gender box,” as well as supporting women and gender non-conforming folks. If we continue to harbor the negative qualities of masculinity, we can’t effectively change it.
10. Be accountable. Finally, recognize the ways that you are being oppressive. Always keep yourself in check. Being an ally means being accountable to feminists and to female-identified and gender non-conforming people. Though we may have the best of intentions, it is common to make mistakes. That’s how privilege works, after all – we will always be unlearning sexism. Being an ally is a lifelong process, and you’ve started on the road to making the world a safer place for women and girls (as well as boys and men!). That should be commended. However, we do not deserve praise for doing the work we should be doing; for taking responsibility. Make sure you are self-critical, self-aware, and knowledgeable about your words and actions.