Sexual Assault Awareness Month--Men in the Movement, Part 2

So in my continuing blog series of men in the anti-rape movement, I am reconvening this week to provide you with some of the questions and answers that guys in my world have provided me with. If you want to see their responses to the first question about the necessity for men in the movement, you can see them here. 

Today's question was: Did you become invested in this for personal reasons or political/social reasons (or some of both)? And, did you have a turning point moment when this issue became part of your world?

A1: "When I was a kid, some close family members talked in front of me about their own experiences as victims and witnesses of domestic violence.  I learned to read between the lines when their stories hinted at rumors of sexualized psychological abuse and familial rape.  As a young adult, I learned that a number of women in my family had been sexually abused by men in my family; men who I now suspect might have themselves been victims of abuse.  It's quite possible that I channeled my subsequent abhorrence, anger, and sorrow into choosing to address sexual violence through my work.  To be clear, I had a relatively happy childhood, but these experiences have led me to believe that sexual violence -- particularly within families -- is much more prevalent than we think."

A2: "Both. When I was in university a friend was drugged while out at a bar, she had woken up the next morning naked in one of her friend’s bed with no memory of how she got there. While the friend did admit to having sex, he said she forced herself on him (which was a little questionable how a 120 lbs. woman could force herself on a 220 lbs. man but I digress) but he hadn’t drugged her. This was true because the friend had been at a different bar entirely and had met up later with her. She and I went to the police and the first question they asked was what she was wearing; this wasn’t for evidence collection but a judgment. It was my first time in a situation like this, and my first exposure to how demeaning and prevalent rape culture is. The person who drugged her was never caught, the friend vehemently denies he did anything wrong by taking advantage of a vulnerable woman and life went on. Except for her. Her interactions with men changed because of that, she guarded drinks (even water) closely, sat with her back to the wall facing the door and studied every person walking into her field of vision. It was a definitive case of PTSD. What resonated with me was that she even changed to me, I was her closest male friend and even she had a bit of guard up around me now. We used to walk arm in arm with coffees chatting, we stopped walking arm in arm. We used to be able to break the touch barrier easily, now there was a sphere of invadable space. I took it in stride because she was my friend, and that’s what friends do but I never forgot that change and what had caused it.  From a societal standpoint I became more vocal about rape culture and the anti-sexual violence movement when a good friend became involved in the first ever (in the world) SlutWalk (http://www.slutwalktoronto.com/) and the circumstances that precipitated that annual event. Since my interests have deep roots in gaming, I’ve noticed very prevalent sexism within the gaming community, particularly dealing with conventions and women who cosplay. There’s been a string of incidents at conventions where female cosplayers have been subjected to harassment and assault. To me, most of these issues, including the anti-rape movement orbit around the rape culture where the burden of proof is on the victim to prove they weren’t “asking for it” by how they acted, what they were drinking, or how they dressed/what costume they were wearing."

A3. "I became involved in the movement for both personal and political reasons – after all, the personal is political, isn’t it? I don’t have one particular “light bulb” moment that turned me on to doing pro-feminist work. I’ve always felt like I fit outside the “box of masculinity” that so many gender theorists talk about. I was “in the box” in a lot of ways, but was also sensitive, empathic, and was uncomfortable around men who made sexist remarks. One experience that pushed me towards anti-sexist activism was during my freshman year of college when my then girlfriend (now fiancée) was talking to me about her experiences with street harassment, and I never realized until then the effects it had on women. Though I never verbally harassed women on the street, I watched as others did. When I asked her how I could help she suggested I take a women’s studies class – I did and ended up majoring in Gender & Women’s Studies - and from there I got involved in the feminist movement on my campus."

A4. "Oddly my real passion for feminism and other issues around racism, homophobia, transphobia etc came from when I became vegetarian. Being a straight, white guy it can be difficult to really understand what discrimination is like (I know, “boo-hoo poor straight white guys” J).  After I became a vegetarian I began to experience this, albeit on a minute scale. Suddenly the entire world wasn’t made for me. I’d go into restaurants and have few or no options. I’d hear jokes that I’d find myself the punchline of. Taking vegetarianism a step further into animal rights issues I’d then find myself feeling outraged about an issue that others were wilfully being blind too. All of this helped me to understand discrimination in a way I fear I may never truly have had I not stopped eating animals. I now could relate to why it’d be annoying to go to the cinema and have no films with female leads, or why seeing 20 billboards with half naked women would start to grate or why people ignoring rape culture and endorsing victim blaming would cause such personal outrage."

A5. "I was raised in a household that strongly valued feminist ideas, and more broadly advocated for addressing issues of social injustice. However I don’t think I became a real active advocate until I started talking with Christa.  She provided an intellectual and political framework which helped me contextualize the issues that I had been thinking about.  Once I became more comfortable being ‘out’ I realized that a lot of my friends had been going through issues stemming from past or current incidences of sexual assault. This kind of created a feedback loop where the more I was a vocal ally the more people I realized were hurting. 

When I started my job as a professor this took on a new perspective. I’m protective of my students, they’re wonderful people and I honestly wish them the best. However after reading statistics about rates of sexual assault on campus I decided that being a strong and vocal advocate at the faculty level could potentially provide a good role model for my students and a safe space for those who are hurting."

A6. "First, I should point out that I'm not exactly active in any movement against sexual violence (or gay rights, or labor) in any concrete sense. I don't speak, I don't volunteer, and I don't stand in picket lines ... but, I would. I just don't have a lot of free time as a dad with a 50 hour a week soul-sucking corporate day job and aspirations to become a novelist. That said, I do what I can. I sign petitions, I call my congressman from time to time, but mostly, I just try to raise our collective awareness by being an active voice where and whenever I can. So, why did I become invested? I'm not really sure. Becoming a dad was part of it, I'm sure, but my oldest daughter is 17, and I'm not sure I've been thinking about this stuff actively for quite that long. In general, throughout my whole life, I've just always cared a lot about human rights, and equality for everyone, and I see sexual violence against women as one of the most pervasive violations of that belief. Plus, I'm kind of a big strong hairy scary guy, and I think a movement like this needs as many of those as it can get."

Sexual Assault Awareness Month: Men in the Movement--Part I

So April is sexual assault awareness month and I wanted to do a blog series about men in my life who are involved in the anti-rape movement. I've been very blessed to have a tremendous amount of support from guys who are deeply invested in seeing an end to sexual assault and who in their own ways are making strides in being involved in what has been traditionally considered a "women's movement". 

And I thought maybe you all might like to hear their honest POVs about how important it is for everyone to be in this movement. Therefore every day this week I will be doing a blog with a question that I've asked some of my guy friends and supporters. I would like to thank all of them in advance for not only their support of me, but their willingness to be honest and use their voices in this issue.

Today's question: Do you think men belong in the anti-sexual violence movement and why? Is there a part of this movement you don't feel men should be involved with?

A1: "Definitely. I think men belong as much as women, if not more. After all, the vast majority of sexual violence is committed by men, so who better to stop it but us? Beside, as is often pointed out in the movement, why is it always "how not to get raped," when it should be more about "don't rape"? I honestly believe cases like Steubenville would not have occurred if more responsible and good men were in the lives of boys who might not have otherwise committed such crimes. Clearly, there are some sick people out there who will attack others no matter what, but we need to focus on those individuals who manage to find ways to justify their abuses for whatever reason. She was drunk. She wanted it. She was passed out, but she was flirting beforehand. It takes role models who respect women to teach boys that it's not "no means no" that matters, but "anything less than yes means no".

A2: "I definitely believe that men have a place in the anti-sexual violence movement. In order to address sexual violence there needs to be a concerted effort on the part of men to have an open dialogue. So often society teaches women how to be good victims, “how not to be raped”, and generally puts the onus of assault prevention on the victim; a certain amount of this is good for women to be aware of their surroundings and make good choices but in general there needs to be a move towards teaching men not to rape. Until men are involved in a dialogue with other men/boys about ways to change the rape culture of blaming the victim there will always be a “half of the equation” (so to speak) that is not on-board with the anti-sexual violence movement."

A3: "I think men belong in the anti-sexual violence movement because overwhelmingly, men are more often than not the perpetrators. In fact, 98% of the time, whether the victim is male or female, (heterosexual) men are the perpetrators. So often sexual violence is tagged as a “women’s issue,” and that’s not fair – if statistically we are perpetrating the violence, we need to take responsibility for our gender’s actions! It’s not fair to place the onus on women to “not get raped” – that’s unfair, it implies that some nameless, faceless person is committing the violence. But it isn’t – it is men! Men who are often our peers, our friends, and our colleagues. For that reason, I think ending sexual assault is a men’s issue.

I think men’s role in the movement is as allies. A large part of this is recognizing your male privilege, and acknowledging that a lot of times your voice isn’t necessary or wanted. It’s not about taking up more space. Instead, use the space you do take up to make it safer for women, girls, and trans* people."

A4: "In my opinion men have a vital role to play as allies in this movement. As a guy there can be a temptation to just sit back and enjoy your privilege. While there are of course male victims of sexual assault the frequency and perhaps most importantly the culture around it is not comparable to that which affects female victims. Most guys learn how to behave from the action they see accepted by their peers. An older brother, uncle or father will very often be the one to shape a young boy’s perception of how you should talk about/talk to/ shout across the street at women. If the only role models they have are outwardly sexist or passively enabling sexism then there is little reason that this person will grow up be any different.

Also men are disproportionately in positions of influence so they have a responsibility to use their positions to enable change.

The main area I think men should not be involved in would perhaps be in counselling and in support groups around sexual violence. Also for the integrity of the movement the main decision makers should be women."

A5: "Men have a role to play in the anti-sexual violence movement for many reasons. Primarily to provide strong counter examples of a masculinity that does not exist through reducing women’s agency. The belief that one’s masculinity is defined through one’s ability to exert power is unfortunately broadly accepted explicitly or implicitly in our culture. I think by men being active in the movement we provide an opportunity to delineate an alternative set of metrics to define what it means to be a man. Metrics that include supporting those who need help, advocating for equality of the other (broadly defined) and standing up to violence."

A6: "I find it frustrating -- but not surprising -- when I see sexual violence framed as a women's issue.  Men are often the perpetrators, often the bystanders, and often the victims of sexual violence.  Throughout history and around the world today, governments and militia plan and implement the rape of women, men, and children in order to degrade and persecute whole communities and social groups.  In some parts of the world, police gangs systematically subject lesbians to so-called "corrective rape" and hunt down and sexually torture gay men and transgender people.  Just as we expect everyone, regardless of gender, to engage with the anti-genocide movement and to stand up against discrimination and inequality, we should expect all men to care deeply about and take action against all forms of sexual violence."

Be Fearless

Somehow in the midst of all my writing and editing and promotion and real life, I sort of forgot that I wrote a difficult book. I mean I know I wrote an edgy book with swearing and sex and things that some people don't like to have in their YA, but I also wrote a DIFFICULT book that people are going to have thoughts on. And the great thing about people having thoughts is that ideally, those thoughts lead to good conversations and good dialogue and critical thinking around the issue of rape.

And some of those conversations have started already, because, well, advanced reader copies exist. And some of those conversations have been hard and have made me have to think very hard about my convictions and what I believe. Which is AWESOME. I hope people keeping asking me questions and sending me letters. I won't always have the answers. In truth, I say, "I don't know" more often than just about anything in my life. But even with hard questions, the juice is worth the squeeze.

Here's what I've learned in my life:

1. Humans are complicated and messy and make good choices and bad choices and generally want to be better, but sometimes just aren't. For whatever reason.
2. Good-hearted people are out there. Counselors, teachers, friends. They want to help. They can't solve every problem. They won't have all the answers, but as Keith Nelson said in Some Kind of Wonderful (yes, I'm old and I'm referencing a John Hughes movie), "The minute we stop thinking someone is out there for us, it's over, isn't it?" I'm grateful for those people in my past and present. I would be lost without them. I hope everyone realizes that they are not alone.
3. Everyone is doing the best they can. Really.

Today in church, we talked about Gideon, and the angel finding him in the cave and saying, "Hail fierce warrior" and Gideon looking around and being like, "Who me? You can't mean me because I'm a dude hiding in a cave. I'm weak and I'm part of a weak clan, and we're so far from warriors, you don't even know." And of course, we then got into a discussion about Martin Luther King Jr. feeling like he didn't have the courage to keep going when his life was being threatened. Then the conversation evolved into how to be our best selves, how to be fearless when it is sometimes really HARD. And it was a perfect message because it reminded me why I wrote a difficult book that people were going to have thoughts about. I'll never be a fierce warrior. I wrote a little book. I'm not a world leader or an agent of cultural change. I'm just a writer who had something to say that hopefully will mean something to someone. I have no agenda beyond wanting people to talk to each other about the issue. Because it's in those conversations that we end up feeling so much less alone.

So go be fearless. Make mistakes. Lean on those who love you. And do the best you can. Always.