Twitter Is Ruining My Life

I am going to have to break-up with Twitter.  I just can't pull off witty in 140 characters.  My tweets seem hilarious in my head and then I look at them later and I think that I might have the IQ of a pencil.  Plus, random people seem to be following these Sucky tweets and I am not exactly sure why.  I'm not talking about other writers who follow the same agents/authors as me.  I am talking about Herb, the car salesman from Toledo.  Why is Herb following my Suck and how did he find me in the first place?  Did he happen to search "parallel parking" and "Steinbeck's Winter of Our Discontent" and my name popped up?  And even if it did, after reading the evidence of my tweeting lameness, why would he still be inclined to follow me?    (EXAMPLES OF SUCKY TWEETS BELOW)

Add to this the fact that I just can't help myself when it comes to responding to agents' tweets.  It's like a black and white cookie before me, I just can't resist.  Especially once I've broken the ice with a bad tweet response already.  I mean really, at a certain point, I feel I have nothing to lose.  So the agent who received last week's happy "puss/pus pockets" tweet was complaining about all the illness in her house and I responded, "sounds like you all might be suffering a bio-terrorist attack."  It was meant to be funny but reading it again later, I realized how this woman whom I have never met before might think that I was admitting to some nefarious plot.  I am totally making a name for myself with this agent.  I can't wait until my query letter crosses her desk.  Truly.

In point of fact, I think that I might also need to break up with my phone who is the messenger by which I frequently react without thinking things through.  For example, I received a request from my kids' Montessori school to participate in a promotional video wherein I answer questions about how great the school is.  They promised that it would only take 10 minutes.  (That's 10 minutes to tape me and 10 hours to edit out most of my particular brand of honesty so they are left with me saying, "My kids are happy..." and the "because they can go to the bathroom freely" has been redacted).  You are probably wondering why they even chose me.  If I had to guess it would probably be that they actually wanted Julio to do it but he sadly had another gig and is sending me in his stead.  And there is no getting out of it since I already told the school via my phone that "we" would be happy to participate.  I am sure they will be DELIGHTED by the Julio/Christa substitution.  Stupid phone.  (And curse you for your Twitter app).

So now, without further ado, the top 10...er, 6 Sucky tweets of the week (I don't even tweet enough to have 10 to choose from which is like the opposite of what I am supposed to be doing on Twitter.  #Me=TwitterLoser):

1.  I think the hardest thing about being a mom is the parallel parking.

2.  I love to write in the teen corner at the library on HS half days.  It's a glimpse of magic.

3.  Holy crap, it's only Wednesday?

4.  I've stopped buying clothes, I only buy books.  Today I will have to wear Chapter 6 of Steinbeck's Winter of Our Discontent.

5.  RPattz has weird nipples.  He should have had a chest overdub in New Moon.
6.  Somebody stop me before I volunteer again.  

I SWEAR I am a better writer than this.  I am clearly just a Twitter failure.  Please don't hold it against me.